Vertical Bird
by lordmasterkris
Summary: The mission Vertical Bird from San Andreas. A completely random, pointless, humourous retelling. How else can I explain it? READ IT NOW! IT'S FINISHED! AND REVIEW!


**A/N: Okay, this isn't really meant to make sense. I jump between the idea of CJ being stuck in a video game and being an actor in a movie several times, and pprobably make one too many jokes about Carl's "Joystick". . .**

**So, that aside. . .enjoy! **

_Vertical Bird cut scene _

Carl watched as Madd Dogg sang, Kent Paul cheered him on, and Maccer did. . .other things. The power was shut off, and they could hear Toreno calling for CJ.

"Hey, Dogg, I gotta go hit a marketing meeting. I'm gonna catch you later."

Carl walked outside, to where Toreno was waiting with his car. Carl reached into his pocket and found his rocket launcher and aimed it at the car. He fired, smashing the car and Toreno into several pieces.

"Well, that was easy." he said. "No more trouble from Toreno."

He started to walk back inside, when large red text obstructed his path.

"Mission Failed: You killed Toreno."

"Ah, shit."

The text subsided after a few seconds, and he continued to the door. When he was a few feet away, a large circular forcefield appeared. It beckoned him.

"No! No! Don't make me do more missions!" Carl begged. "I don't wanna be a bad guy, I don't wanna be a manager! I just wanna. . . ah whatever."

_Vertical Bird cut scene_

Carl watched as Madd Dogg sang, Kent Paul cheered him on, and Maccer did. . .other things. The power was shut off, and they could hear Toreno calling for CJ. This seems awfully familiar. . .thought CJ.

"Hey, Dogg, I gotta go hit a marketing meeting. I'm gonna catch you later." The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Carl walked outside, to where Toreno was waiting with his car. Neither Toreno nor the car seemed scathed by the events of a few seconds ago. Carl sighed, and joined him in the car.

"Well, no invite to the housewarming, huh kid?"

Carl stared blankly.

Toreno whispered the line in his ear.

"I knew you'd come anyway." said Carl in a robotic voice.

"Yeah, well, that's not important right now. I'll bring you up to speed on the way, get in.."

"Does it involve skydiving out of a plane again because the sixteen times I tried that mission and forgot the parachute due to your crappy instructions really hurt."

"CUT!" yelled somebody from off camera. "Carl! That is not the line! God, how many times do we have to do this? Just read the script!"

"Okay. Sorry sir."

"ACTION!"

"Well, no invite to the housewarming, huh kid?" repeated Toreno, slightly frustrated.

"I knew you'd come anyway."

"Yeah, well, that's not important right now. I'll bring you up to speed on the way, get in."

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to sneak onto the ship docked at the army base and get something for me."

Carl's eyes widened in terror. He looked to the director who was nodding his head. "You're shittin' me right?"

"Would I shit you, Carl?"

"What do I have to get?"

"I'll tell you when we get there."

They drove to the shore in silence, the air filling with tedious country music from K-Rose. Carl reached out to change the channel. Toreno slapped his hand like you would a naughty child. "No! Bad Carl!"

Carl's eyes welled up and he whimpered slightly.

It was approaching two in the morning now, Carl was still astounded about how it took less that half an hour for a day to pass. The stars twinkled. His attention was drawn to the constellation that looked suspiciously like an R. The trees swayed back and forth and back and forth in the gentle wind, constantly in the same animation. Ten years ago he would have loved to have been a video game character. Then again, back then all video game characters did was run around a maze eating ghosts. They didn't have to risk their life.

The two arrived at the shore. The waves lapped quietly against the sand. The wind whistled through the trees. The beach was deserted.

"So, I want you to go on that ship over there, and steal me the military jet known as the Hydra."

Carl stood silently for a few seconds. "I have a better idea." he said.

Toreno watched as Carl got into the car, then immediately got out again, then jumped forwards, then shot his machine gun into the air. A small panel appeared to his left showing Carl's current stats, then disappeared, then appeared again. Carl then turned to the opposite direction, and back again. Toreno watched with interest, as a few feet in front of them, a Hydra landed on the sand.

"There." said Carl. "One Hydra. Brand new."

Toreno walked over to it and inspected it for a while, lightly kicking it and touching the glass..

He turned back to look at Carl. "I don't like this one. I want that one over there."

"THEY'RE EXACTLY THE SAME!"

"To you, maybe."

"Alright," Carl relented, "I'll get your crappy Hydra."

"And Cut!" yelled the director. "Alright Carl, I don't know where it said in the script that you could use the "spawn a Hydra" code, but I don't have the willpower to put up with you much longer so it will do."

Carl smiled smugly, not quite taking in everything that was said.

"Alright people, final scene for this mission. Remember those are real army guys, real military jets, real explosions, so we only get one shot at this."

Carl's eyes widened in fearful, terror stricken panic.

"C . .can we talk about this-"

"ACTION!"

"There's a boat. All the gear you'll need is on board. I'll keep you briefed as you go." said Toreno.

Carl walked dejectedly to the boat and found the silenced pistol. He drove the boat across the water to the army ship. He saw the doors open.

"Now Carl," came Toreno's voice from. . .wait where the hell was it coming from? "Sneak in the back without being seen. Once you're on the inside, I cannot help you."

"Can you help me now?" said Carl to the voice in his head.

"Well, no actually, no."

As he sailed closer to the ship, Carl noticed some writing had appeared under him. It read, "make sure you are not seen when you enter. Don't take the boat in."

"Oh yeah, sure, " Carl said without reading the writing. "Like I'm gonna take advice from the mission help text."

Carl took the boat to the doors, and inside, quietly humming.

"INTRUDER! TAKE THAT FUCKER OUT!"

"OH SHIT!" Carl yelled as several guards fired upon his boat with M4s.

He dived out as his boat exploded and submerged himself in the water in an attempt to hide from the soldiers.

The shooters looked on with pity. "What the hell is he doing?" asked one of them.

"I think he's trying to hide from us." said another.

"But the water is clear! I can still see him!"

"Shh. Just wait until he runs out of breath."

Carl held his breath for as long as he could, but had to come up for air not long after. The infinite lung capacity cheat had just been discovered at this point, and Carl had not had time to memorise it.

Still catching his breath, he swam behind a boat and shot down some of the soldiers, a mechanic, a hot dog vendor and himself. When they eventually destroyed the boat, he retreated to the bottom of the ocean to put in health and armour cheats, before returning with a rocket launcher and. . .an oyster. He steadied the rocket launcher to fire, but had to wait until the "oyster 2 of 50" message disappeared from in front of his eyes before he could fire it. When he did, he completely missed the attackers, and instead hit the wall of the boat, but thanks to video game developers, it did not sprout a leak. He re-aimed the gun and fired, the rocket causing the remaining few soldiers to fly into the air and land in the exact same position as everyone else, and disappear seconds later, leaving only faint blood trails, which also vanished later.

Carl got out of the water and made his way to the control room. A soldier jumped out in front of him, startling him and causing him to fire wildly in his direction, unfortunately while still holding the rocket launcher. Carl quickly changed weapons after this to the silenced pistol. He continued, gunning down all who got in his way, until he reached the control room. The mission text read "press the switch to deactivate SAMs". He ignored it again, and shot the switchboard with a shotgun. It amazed him how many weapons he was able to fit in his jeans. The controls sparked and fizzed, and a voice said, "deploying surface to air missiles." There was a loud roar, followed by an explosion, followed by screams outside. Carl carefully pressed the switch and walked out of the room, with the remaining missiles disabled.

Now he had to steal a Hydra. He half sprinted to the blip on his radar, (his spider sense, as he liked to call it) and found the Hydra storage area.

"HA!" someone yelled.

"AH!" Carl yelled back, shooting the man before he had a chance to react.

The alarms were going off. In a matter of minutes, everyone would be after him. He looked around the room. There were three Hydras.

An idea struck him, taking off twelve hit points.

He emptied out his pockets. A bat, silenced pistol, Tec-9, shotgun, Ak-47, rocket launcher plus eight rockets, and forty satchel charges.

He attached some satchels to two of the Hydras, and put the rest back in his pocket. He climbed into the Hydra closest to the exit, and shut the lid over.

There wasn't much air.

He started to lift off, straight upwards, and found that his attempts to go forward simply tipped him upside down.

"Toreno! Help!"

"You have to put it into fly mode." came the reply.

"How the fuck do I do that?"

"Push forward on the right joystick."

"Heh heh. Joystick."

"Carl this is no time for joking around! Look behind you – There are two Hydras chasing you!"

"It's cool, Toreno. I put satchel charges on them before I left. "

"But you can't detonate them from inside a vehicle, remember?"

"But I have the detonator right here in my hands, all I have to do is press-"

"NO DETONATING FROM INSIDE A VEHICLE!" yelled the director.

"Alright, alright!"

The director sat back in his chair, watching the dog fight. Then he looked into he sky and started watching the Hydras chasing after Carl. "This is great. I hope he gets killed."

He continued to watch Carl fleeing from the enemy fire, until an explosion like a fireworks display illuminated the sky. One of the enemy jets had blown up.

"How the hell did you do that, Carl?"

"Um. . .I accidentally sat on the detonator. I'm sorry."

"That's alright, Carl. We'll send more out."

"Shit!"

Carl kept flying, getting cheap laughs from caressing the joystick. A striking blow shook the plane, and almost broke Carl's joystick.

"Shit!"

Behind him, Carl saw two new Hydras shooting rockets. It was time to outwit them.

Carl produced a pocket sized dictionary from the glove compartment, and looked up "outwit".

Yes.

Outwit.

Carl pulled his joystick so hard it almost came out the socket, and sent the plane upwards, and back down behind his pursuers.

Carl laughed manically, and deployed the missiles from the button on top of his joystick.

They left his aircraft, and hit one of the Hydras, exploding on impact. The Hydra went into a nose dive, plummeting to the ground leaving a smoke trail behind. Carl watched it fall through the fog, and could still see the explosion despite the great height he was above the ground. The next one was up ahead, another few hundred feet above Carl. He took the jet up higher, until the heat seeking rockets could pick it up. He released another blast from his joystick.

The man in the Hydra felt the blow, and stared at the controls on board as they flashed wildly.

"I'm not fixing this!"he yelled, grabbing his parachute and jumping out.

The man floated down through the clouds.

Carl flew the plane fast through the clouds.

The man was jerked violently.

The back end of the plane snagged the parachute.

Carl hadn't noticed.

The man sagged, and let the plane carry him around. He looked into the cockpit at the pilot, and sighed. It would be a while before he would notice.

Carl flew close to the ground on the deserted freeway. The man was forced to tuck in his legs to prevent them scraping on the road.

There was a bridge up ahead. Carl pondered whether to try to fly under it. It neared and neared. The man found himself praying.

"Carl," came Toreno's voice, "No fancy crap."

"Okay."

At the last second, Carl pulled upwards, smashing the man into the concrete bridge, killing him on impact.

"Now Carl, take out the spy ships!"

"What spy ships?"

"The ones you passed ages ago, near the canyons. You're in Los Santos now!"

"Oh."

Carl flew back to the desert and found the ships huddled together in a small cove. He flew slowly over them, and started hovering hundreds of feet above them. He leaned out of the window for a clear view, and cursed as his knife left his shirt pocket.

Down below, the ship captain stared up at the Hydra, squinting slightly to keep it in view. "The hell is that?" he said. "It's falling down pretty fast. Looks shiny and sharp. . .well that's the strangest thing because OH GOD MY EYE! AAAAGH!"

Carl dropped some bombs down to the ships, as well as some bags of flour, tar and feathers.

After the smoke cleared, he noticed only one ship was remaining.

"SHOOT HIM OUT OF THE SKY!" yelled the one eyed chicken. "Kill him!"

The men stared at each other, wondering why they should take orders from Christmas dinner.

Back on board, Carl had run out of bombs. He pulled a sheet of paper out of his pocket, headed "San Andreas Cheat Codes" and walked over to the control panel. The controls, thankfully, were exactly like those of a Playstation 2.

He typed in the code, causing various effects to the plane, including several rockets being fired, and it performing as complete barrel roll.

He looked out the window, as a Trashmaster garbage truck magically appeared at the same height as him, and plummeted downwards, flattening the boat and sinking it.

"Toreno, what do you want me to do with this thing?"

"What thing? I don't know what you're talking about."

He flew around aimlessly for a while, thinking of what to do with the jet.

After he left, a wet, garbage covered chicken crawled out of the water, shook itself off, and swore it's revenge on Carl.

He tried putting the Hydra into his garage at Grove Street, but attracted too much attention from gangs, who were quickly vaporised.

He took it to San Fierro and tried to land it in the Avispa country club, but received a large fine.

He tried to land it on the runway in the Las Venturas airport and narrowly missed colliding with another plane.

Another thought stuck him, this time severely winding him. He was now running low on health.

Carl turned the Hydra around and flew it to the airstrip he had been forced to buy.

Carl arrived at the airstrip and brought the plane down unsteadily on the runway. It bumped and crashed and started to spew black smoke, but it landed, and he maneuvered it into one of the hangars.

He got out, and walked out of the hangar. He was tired, so tired that he was unaware of the shadow lurking over him, getting nearer and nearer. He heard a loud cry, and suffered a large blow to the back of the head. He spun around, and was greeted with another blow.

Time slowed, he felt his legs give way from under him. As he fell backwards, his surroundings becoming a blur, he thought he could make out the shape of a large chicken. . .

**Mission Failed: You Were Killed By A Chicken.**

**A/N: Congratulations, after reading my story, you have successfully lost a number of brain cells. If this thought appeals to you, please continue to read my work. I would recommend Big Brother.  
**


End file.
